vrgirl1

Sometimes you just gotta let people in

2008-10-22T19:57:15Z

Ok so the last few weeks it seems have just been a practice in mental masturbation. Then again, the thought of just drifting out into traffic on my way home, stuck as probably an abnormal thought. Now, I am not one for the suicidal I wanna die BS, I discovered I am way to vain for that, there is just no pretty way to off one's self. Anyhoo. I have been torturing myself for weeks. Running around in my own head, demonizing myself, beating myself up. Afraid to be juged by what other people think of actions I choose to take. When it was brought to my attention, do I have an issue that goes against MY moral code? The answer is no. So why do shame, guilt, remorse, etc....plague my lil head? I don't know, because I am not right. I had myself convinced that I was a sociopath? Like that self-diagnosis? A sociopath? What the hell is a Sociopath. According to dictionary.com a sociopath is defined as:
a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience. Now people that know me, know that is clearly NOT me, but I sure thought that of myself, that is not good. Now, this situation I am dealing with, as unpleasant as it may be, keeping it all to myself is clearly a death wish of sorts, because I have been going out of my mind. And now, since releasing the demons inside my head, I feel 1000 times lighter. I feel better. I am not as ashamed, I no longer feel as stupid, stupid still yes, but not like a complete idiot, a failure, someone not worthy of friendship or love. Just a girl who has made some mistakes, and since I am human, will continue to do so, but it is not the end of the world, as I like to think. Just hope to learn from the experience, move foward and hopefull not do it again. Shit happens yes, but preventing the shit from happening can help. And this time, at least, I am not alone. Its ok, to let people in. Sometimes, you don't have to and can't be the rock. Sometimes, you need to let yourself be carried and cared for.

Maybe I am just a cold hearted bitch....

2008-10-21T15:29:11Z

A lot of people call me compassionate, loving, kind, shit I call myself that. Not of late, I don't feel that way. I want to tell everyone I come across exactly what I think of them. I want to tell them what's wrong with them and maybe suggest how they could change their attitude. I want to scream and lash out and say FUCK YOU. I want to give into the 2 year old inside crying for attention, she won't shut the fuck up! I want to cry and punch things. I want to be fucking angry and I can't. I just can't. I don't have it in me. So I sit in silent scorn. I laugh with the world and I grieve alone. Over what? Good question and if I had the answer to that then I probably wouldn't be writing this. I am fucked up. GRRR. People suck.

I know as human beings we are infallible. That given the opportunity or even not, everyone in our lives will disappoint us at one time or another. Acceptance of people for who they are helps, not expecting people to be someone they are not helps, however is sometimes easier said than done. And what if said person said one thing, made you believe something about them and really had you fooled then pulled the rug out from under you. Then what? What if that keeps happening? Two things: 1) Why do I keep picking the same sick people to befriend? 2) Does the fear become so irrational that it is easier to go back to trusting no one, because then that way you can't get hurt. Now, I love LOVE. I love being warm and fuzzy. Unfortunately, the way of the world is not the same. People suck. They are mean, everyone is out for themselves. That is some fucked up shit and no wonder the world is the way it is. I am not saying that I have to like everyone, that isnt; realistic. I am just disappointed I guess is the point. I had faith in humanity for a moment, and that moment is gone.

The Proverbial you know what...

2008-10-16T14:11:32Z

SO I was reading my last entry prior to writing this and its a good thing I did, because I needed to remember that space I was in a month ago, because it seems the proverbial shit has hit the fan. I do know that this too shall pass, I know I will get through this emotional turmoil I am in, but first let me express the emotional turmoil, as I think writing it out, may release it from my head. The program teaches me a lot of things, reach out to newcomers, get out of myself, which are all valuable and helpful, but sometimes, I feel I just need to vent about what I feel the world has done to me, to get a better perspective on what it is I need to change in me, because after all pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth and I feel a spurt coming on.

Why is it that other people get to go about their lives hurting others without thinking about how their actions might affect someone? I am not talking in a co-dependent bullshit kind of way, I am talking about in a common fucking courtesy for other people kind of way, or did that get lost in life lessons from the fucked up families we all seem to come from? Because as dysfunctional as my family is today, somewhere valuable decency toward others was taught. Or are we all so that self-absorbed we don't care. Because as ego-centered as I can be, I do care about other people. Now with that said, I have had the breakthrough that I have always been good to other people, but treated myself like a less than 2nd class citizen. Self-destruction seems to be my bailiwick of the past, something I do not want to return to, and hopefully will not, because faster than taking a drink, that is a surefire way to a downward spiral of another kind. No doubt I am damaged, maybe not as damaged as some people I know, but damaged nonetheless.

Why are women so fucking bitchy and catty? I mean really. Its no wonder I have never befriended a lot of woman, we are fucked up. Men are a lot less emotional and thereby can at times, in my opinion seem more stable. Now, I have to look at my pattern of why I keep choosing the same type of women as friends, only to get myself hurt. Is it me, yes probably, but my part being I choose these people, that all seem to have similar traits. Maybe I am in a struggle of, hmmm, I don't know. Alot of the women, in my area I don't have much in common with. I am younger by 10 years at least for most of them, I am not married, I don't even have close to a prospect, I have no children (that brings up a whole other issue of why I don't ever want any...another effin breakthrough...whooopppppeeee), I have an actual job, which is not as glamorous as some of their jobs (Oh I am not comparing am I....ooops). What I am though, is a good person. I am loyal, caring, compassionate and loving and happy, which doesn't seem to mean anything and it seems to me at times, that as much as these people like to see you doing well, if they are miserable they then can't stand you. I feel like and this has happened before, like somehow being happy is bad. That something is trying to break my spirit. I am tired of struggling through life. Time to let go.

You know, people tell me how beautiful I am all the time. Yea, well I have never been that girl. I may be the hot chick, but I am the hot chick with no friends and since getting sober have met a lot of people who claim to be friends, but aren't really. Where are all these people I know on a Saturday night? I have no fucking clue. They were never at the bar and they still aren't there. I am young and supposed to be out having the time of my life. Instead I sit at home, watching television. The only thing missing is a fucking cat, thank god I don't like cats. Maybe I should get a dog. So here I am again in life, as I really always have been...ALONE. Sobriety has not seemed to change that aspect as of yet. I know alot of people yes, but what does that stand for? Today, nothing. I guess, maybe I am asking for the wrong things? I am grateful to be sober, all this bitching I doing will pass. But all I have ever wanted is to belong somewhere, and when you think you find it and then realized that maybe you didn't, it sucks. I now feel the need to run again. I want to find that place in my life, where I can just stop running. And nothing, no amount of shoes, money, men, or friends will fix that. I have to change, again. There is no power ahead of me, greater than the power behind me I know that. However, I have returned to being covered in armour, nothing gets in. Self-protection, putting on the act once again, that I am ok, I am strong, I don't need anyone. Which is so false, it hurts to even admit it. The other thing I am, is angry and I have been angry for a long time. At what exactly, I am not quite sure, but anger is not a luxury I can afford, and until just now, have not admitted is driving all this other shit, I think. Time to let go.

My theme song comes to mind as I end my rant today....I Won't Back Down. It seems the gates of hell have returned.....Or maybe its Time to Pretend (MGMT) ......

Balance

2008-09-09T15:17:08Z

In the roller coaster some call life, I only hoped to find a place where the ride would eventually even out. And today, as I only have today, it has. I am no longer the raging lunatic or massive depressive. I am happy, joyous, free. I have an amazing job, wonderful friends, a relationship with my sister, I like myself (and YES that is a big deal) dreams I didn't even know I had have come true, as well as one's I did have, time to create some new ones. I have my own place, its a pink palace, because I can. Its peaceful, its home. I no longer feel the need to run away from my life. Instead, I am building one, as opposed to trying to destroy it.

I want to remember the moments like today, where things are easy, slow, calm. Because as sure as I am writing, I know life happens. Maybe there will be a man in my life, maybe not, maybe children, maybe not. However, here is what I do know: Life is Amazing, and its going to get better. How am I so sure? I just do, I was sitting outside the other night, feeling the balmy wind, taking in the moon on the water, and this overwhelming sense of peace came to me, the inner voice whispering, all is well and things are going to be great. Hokey? Maybe. But just the experience of my life I am living right now. And I need to remember these moments, for when the proverbial shit hits the fan, its the moments like this, to recall that will keep me grounded, get me through to the other side.

The other thing I know is that looking back on where I was last year, and where I am today, are two completely different places. I am touched by the Grace of God today. Just for today.

I choose to walk in the sunlight of the spirit.

9th Step Promises

2008-05-13T15:29:54Z

Two of the promises are as follows: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." pg 83 Big Book of AA. "Fear of People and of Economic Insecurity will leave us." pg 84 Big Book of AA. Right on! I feel very much there. I am not afraid of people so much anymore. And economic insecurity? Well, I mean I am not rolling in the big bucks (yet) but I am gainfully employed with a decent wage and I trust that I am going to be ok, more than ok. The GOD in my life, wants me to be happy, secure, safe. I have in a short time, seen miracles happen, and even been on the receiving end of some. But I spent the majority of my life, thinking if I only made more, had more, if only this would be this way, then I could do this or then I'd be happy. That is not the way of life I subscribe to anymore. I just do, when I do the necessary footwork, focus on the positive and stay in the solution and have the faith and trust, everything, seems to work out and happen better than I could have asked for planned or dreamed up.

Some may think I am nuts or too "Pollyanna" ,but I tend to find the positive, at the very least the lesson in everything that happens good and bad. I truly believe, I spent too long in the negative, everything was impossible or a catastrophic disaster. That is not the way it is for me anymore. I have so much to be grateful for. I don't regret the past anymore, my past is what led and got me to where I am today, which is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I feeling of actual peace and serenity and happiness, I feel most of the time. of course, its not always sunny in Brandyville, that would be unrealistic. But, it is 90% of the time. And my change in attitude and perception, allows me to take the bad times, and find the solution, rather than dwell in the problem.

Life is too good to be wasted on negative emotions.

XO

Renewal

2008-05-08T19:44:17Z

Having lost a little faith, having been hurt a little, having gotten lost in the minutia of Life, I am happy to say I now feel renewed. I just celebrated one year of sobriety on April 21 and I was cruising along just fine. And then BAM! proverbial shit seemed to hit the fan. The gift today is I can see these things as lessons, opportunities for growth. And as much as that makes me almost cringe to say, those were phrases just over a year ago were the most ridiculous things I had ever heard. I want to believe that everyone is inherently good, the truth is just because people are sober doesn't always equate to good. Human nature still very much exists in all of us. However the zest I have for reaching out to other people and in a sense almost renewing myself, a fresh starting over again, going into my 2nd year of those things I did early in my first have made a come back. Which is a tremendous feeling in itself. No matter what happens to me, I am going to be fine, more than fine. In a short years time, I have been blessed with a life beyond my dreams, and I don't want to miss what is around the corner. I will always be taken care of, as long as I continue to do the next right thing and ask for what that is. My faith is renewed. My strength replenished. By allowing myself to be vulnerable to those around me who I know I can trust, my strength becomes that much greater. It is one of the great paradoxes of the program I subscribe to, that by showing my vulnerability it opens the gate for the flood of strength.

I am still learning, great amounts, about myself, people, everything. As I no longer have a cloud surrounding me, I can begin to see things more clearly. Which is both a gift and a curse it seems. Sometimes, the light gets shed on things not so pretty. But only by realizing the truth, can we grow and change from it. I am happy to have this state of mind returned to me. A chance to make even more changes, I forget it is now a lifetime job. However, I don't want the same anyway. I mean, do what I've always done, get what I have always got. And I was seriously selling myself short in ALL aspects of my life. I don't want to do that anymore. Time to grow up.

Satisfaction

2007-08-08T18:10:50Z

I want, what I want, when I want it damn it. No if, ands or buts about it, just give it to me. I realized my need for an instant fix is what caused me to drink myself away. I needed an instant fix to stop the pain, numb myself of feeling. That's nice, numb yourself. Amazing how a drink or two or a whole bottle could make whatever happened that day non-existent. Until I wake up the next morning, unable to remember the wreckage I caused the night before and run around apologizing for shit I can't remember doing. Ah, the vicious cycle. Round and round you go, where you stop nobody knows. Scary, frightening quite frankly.

My birthday just pasted and my boyfriend, I hate that word, I want to call him something else. These terms these days, my man, my bf, BLAH! Anyway, he came down from the ROC to surprise and be with me. I think he may actually love me. And he sent me flowers, a bouquet of sunflowers to be exact and a cute pair of flip flops and adorable boyshorts (boyshorts are his thing). It was really nice to spend the weekend with him. To fall asleep, knowing I wasn't dreaming that he would be next to me in the morning. It was sweet. I am missing him today. I have these fantasies in my head, of making a life with him, living with him, cooking dinner with him. Doing all those things "couples" do. And it frustrates me, that I can't do it, right this second.

Ah, back to the instant gratification, see how that works? Creeps up on ya. Its not my game anymore. My life is in the hands of a Power Greater than myself. It has to be, because my way wasn't doing anything productive for me. I am not all holy roller, by any means, but I am finding a newer sense of Spirituality, which is great. How nice really, is it, when things seem too big or too great, I can turn it over and say "Hey Big Guy, this is a little much or I am a little lost, a little help here?" and know that if I listen the answer will be shown to me, things will work out. Lessons are always there to be learned, if you know where to look. What looks desolate or unimportant today, could be exactly what I need. I may not get what I want, but I am certainly given what I need.

Way to Happy? A Bad Thing?

2007-07-06T00:07:30Z

Considering the odds and bad stuff I am up against, I have an infectious, seemingly permanent smile on my face. What gives? I haven't a clue, AA? That is the only logical conclusion I can come up with. To be perfectly honest. I am just too damn happy! Last night at a meeting I called it the "Honeymoon Phase" of AA. Because things are by no means perfect or even close to, they are still trying to put me in jail damn it! But I just keep smiling and have faith it is going to be ok. As a I will now consider good friend told me " God didn't bring you this far to let you down now." The most amazing things have happened to me in the last few weeks, I can't even find proper words to describe or explain them. I just know they are good and this feeling is great! I wish I could bottle it up and share it with everyone. Because I see far too many unhappy/sad people. I am just happy to be happy and part of me is waiting for it to end, but the realization came to me, it doesn't have too. Only if I allow someone to steal my joy and as long as I don't, I have no reasons to frown. At least Just for Today. ;)

Everything is Going to be Alright

2007-06-11T14:09:47Z

I woke up at 4:00am, with the biggest smile on my face, as I realized, everything is going to be alright. My life is going to become amazing, more than I could ever dream of or ask for. I am not sure why this thought came to mind, because it sounds almost "Pie in the Sky-esque" but there is something inside that quieted the noise, the fear, the uncertainity life brings about. All the things I want, I will have, plus some. I am not sure how or even when, but I know it will. One day I'll be sitting back, and say "Wow" everything is just right. Just right compared to the Chaos I am used to living in, what a gift! This last week has been such an eye opener. The way things work, the people I have met, and that my mind and my eyes are clear enough to see it, its nothing short of amazing. Its a ride I am truly looking forward to, a life made up of dreams that come true, who wouldn't want that?

vrgirl1 @ 2007-06-06T09:59:00

2007-06-06T14:04:07Z

So this weeks neuorsis seems to subsided. Everything is great with the available-unavailable boyfriend. I have always been a believer in "things happen for a reason." For example, my job, I had said a few months back I wanted something easy, brainless, almost, as I am accustomed to a quick pace, putting out fires, craziness, Chaos. So yesterday I was sitting here and I realized, my job is exactly what I asked for, but also so much more. Here in PB we thrive around "Season" and where I work holds their programs seasonally, so right now, its quiet. As I have lots of time to think, journal, etc....But in Season they say its crazy, so I get the best of both worlds. But I also asked for a place where I wouldn't get "attached" and that is not the case. This presents a minor problem as I am trying to move out of PB, I hate Florida to be honest. Nice to visit, that's about it. Or unless you have a shit ton of money, then I guess it works too. I hate it here, people suck, the weather is too hot and sticky, its dirty, I am convinced the scum of the Earth live in S. FLA. So where do I want go? Upstate NY, I'd be happier freezing my ass off. So I figure if I ask my Higher Power for direction on that, again, I'll get what I ask for.

Glutton for Punishment

2007-05-31T23:00:20Z

I am a newbie recovery baby and they say its important to journal your feelings. I also need a place to openly express myself in an effcient manner. Journaling is nothing new to me, however during this time I find it especially important to get the things I think out of my head because otherwise they hang out in there and seem to manifest themselves and that is not always a good thing, especially because I tend to overthink things as it is. Even though I stopped drinking, my thoughts still tend to be, at times, askewed. My behavior patterns also tend to send up warning signs. Take my "boyfriend" for example, he is unavailable in every sense of the word, but I can't stay away, leading me to my title "Glutton for Puinshment.." I think I like to be in pain, its like as if some part of my life isn't chaotic I can't be happy, could there be anymore of an oximoron! So why can't I say no or stay away from things that are bad for me? Because some glimmer of hope keeps me hanging on, or maybe because I don't think I am worthy or deserve better? Now that leads me into a whole other stream of thinking, self-esteem 101. For someone who self proclaims to be so fabulous and is so cocky, I am coming to find out through my new clear eyes, I am not so self-assured at all. I know I know that whole scared little girl hiding behind the mask, the cockiness. More on the self-esteem issues at a later date, as I do not have any answers now. I have come to the conclusion, I'm nuts! My thoughts are not normal, but what is normal anyway?